Am I anxious? I think that’s an understatement!
Tomorrow morning Emma is starting her first day of high school. After all the work she has done to get this far, I should be excited and happy for her. I am happy that she feels strong enough to go back to public school. I know she needs this. I know she is ready.
But am I ready? No! I’ve had her home with us since June and before that she was safe in treatment. I am not ready to just throw her back into the world. I am scared because I am not going to be there to protect her and help her when she is not making the best choices.
Everyone keeps telling me that she needs this, she needs to be at school so she can make friends, she needs to be able to make mistakes. But those same people aren’t the ones that have been up at all hours of the night to make sure she is still breathing. They aren’t making themselves sick with the ‘what ifs’. They aren’t the ones that have seen her bawling on the floor saying she doesn’t want to live because she has no one. Or finding her with fresh cuts on her body and having to go through yet another treatment.
I know she needs to be around people her age. I know that I need to let her go enough to socialize and have a high school experience. But this is one more hurdle that I don’t know if I am ready to jump over.
I just pray that she is going to find friends that will be there for her and not turn their backs on her or tempt her to fall back into her addiction. I pray that I can survive the next 4 years and LET her be a high schooler. I know she deserves the chance to prove she’s changed, and to be her own person.
Part of me is worried, so very worried for her. But the other part of me sees how hard she has worked and how proud she is, of the progress she’s made and I know deep down this is what is best for her.
If you happen to see her around the neighborhood just give her a quick hello and let her know she has a support system built in here.