Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt like you just can’t handle one more ‘thing’? Have you ever felt like no one sees exactly how unhappy you are?
On the outside I have a wonderful life. I have a successful and caring husband that would do anything for our family. I have 3 physically healthy children. I have the most amazing mother-in-law & father-in-law that anyone could ever want. I have a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood.
On the inside however I am not ok. I struggle daily. I am emotionally overwhelmed. I used to have outlets for this. I used to have people I could go to for support. Now, I find myself crying more days than not because of loneliness.
I spent so many years on the sidelines of the soccer pitch watching my son & that kept me so busy. I didn’t have time to be lonely.
During Madisyn’s volleyball season I’m busy, but it’s not the same. I still feel that loneliness.
I see social media friends and even family members getting together. Having fun. Celebrating milestones. And I am not included. It causes one to question ‘what is wrong with me’? Is my friendship not good enough? Or am I just not a thought that crosses their minds? These are the times that the loneliness kicks into overdrive.
Are there times that you feel used for your friendship as a placeholder? Like when someone has a falling out with their ‘good friend’ so they keep you as a back up friend? And you always go back because that’s better than being alone? But then the ‘good friend’ comes back around and you are thrown to the side?
How about family? Do you feel betrayed by family? A family member that you thought you were once close to and that betrayal made the loneliness, almost unbearable at times? Have you had your spouse choose said family over you several times and it feels like torture?
It is so easy to say to someone ‘call me or text me if you need anything’. But how many times do people really mean this? I have picked up the phone so many time to text someone ‘hey can we go get a drink’ or ‘ wanna hang out’. But I don’t, because the betrayal of said family and the fear of rejection is so real. So I put the phone back down and retreat back to my lonely place.
I can empathize so much with my Emma in these situations. And I can’t guide her in the right direction because I can’t guide myself in the direction of not being hurt and lonely.
In public I may look like I have myself together most of the time, I don’t like to let others see me at my weakest, my most vulnerable. So I joke, I laugh, I don’t get too real. But this is yet another reason I am lonely.
When I hear on the news of someone’s passing, I think, if that were me, who would actually be sad? Or who would be ‘sad’ for show? Who would say ‘I wish I would have tried more?’
As a society we have to be more mindful of how we treat people. You never know who is suffering with tremendous loneliness.